April 25, 2018 at 7:53 pm #32070Allison Grace@allison-grace
Hi, Sir Leeds! I write free verse poetry myself!
"I cannot live without books." -Thomas JeffersonApril 25, 2018 at 8:56 pm #32129Sam Kowal@sam-kowal
@sir-leeds Currently working on some short stories and a sci-fi/fantasy novel about dwarves in futuristic city. Nothing I’m ready to share yet, but I’d love to get some feedback on the short stories from various people at some point, so I’ll let you know.
*nom, nom, nom* *eats donuts*
Oh, are you hungry? *begins weeping*
I would have saved you one!April 26, 2018 at 1:54 am #32217Rachel Rogers@scribbles
@sir-leeds I would love to read and critique some of your work! I strongly dislike *writing* poetry with a set meter, but I do *understand* it, so hopefully I can be of some help there. My strongest skills where poetry is concerned deal with other literary techniques and elements that have more to do with word choice and arrangement…also content and theme.
Ambiverted INFP. Scribbles all the words. Names the plant friends. Secretly Edna the Piguirrel.April 26, 2018 at 10:56 am #32275Sir Leeds@sir-leeds
@daeus-lamb Wow! Thanks for the detailed feedback! I really appreciate you taking the time to get back to me on this.
- I agree that “take to” seems kinda flat. I’ll try to find something stronger without bogging down the pace of the poem.
- The yellow intertube does stand out for being metaphor-less in a section filled with metaphors, doesn’t it? Again, if I can find something better that flows, I’ll be sure to replace it.
- I’m not sure about the line break. In my mind, there are two shifts in perspective in the poem: the one you just pointed out where the collective “we” gives way to an individual example in the form of “one of us”, and then it shifts again back to the collective closer to the end. It might make sense to draw attention to those transitions, but at the moment, I’m against it because the line breaks won’t be anywhere near even visually and I think some of the lucidity of the poem would be lost, though some of that lucidity could be the cause of some of the confusion about the poem in your next thought, so I’ll keep thinking about it.
- The point I had in mind when I wrote this poem is that people have a tendency of villainizing boredom, that entertainment is often mob-like, and that boredom can actually be a good thing in that it more or less forces us to become more sober minded and self reflective, and yes, with that comes a kind of relief. The purpose of the “zoomed in sequence” with the one individual who strays from the group was to show a short personal story (which in the individual’s case, includes a mother who’s dead now, but used to take him or her to the amusement park when he or she was younger) of the effects of boredom: reflection, etc.
I think making things clearer is definitely the main thing I should focus on with revision. I’d still like to keep some of the mystery and lucidity and dream-like feeling of the poem though.
Thanks again for all your help!
"We are far too easily pleased." - C. S. LewisApril 26, 2018 at 8:21 pm #32381
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