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A Oneshot

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  • #83076
    ScarletImmortalized
    @scarletimmortalized

    I have a fantasy one shot and was wondering if you guys would *gulps* like to beat it up.

    Naw I’m kidding, but I am interested in what people think about it. Do slip on your grammar gloves and throw a few punches because I get so focused writing I forget about the rules *tries whistles innocently*.

    Anyways, a few things I want to know:

    1. Did I portray the feelings (show not tell/tell not show) and express the rawness of the emotions in the scene?

    2. Any suggestions on how to improve the emotions?

    3. Was it a good read or like…meh?

    4. Did you understand some of the background even though I didn’t go into detail? (was this a true oneshot where you understood without reading a novel’s worth)

    5. Characters…did you like them?

    Also if there’s something I missed feel free to point out. Going to tag some fantasy writers because I think this was fantasy? Anyways…peeps I know…*goes blank*

    Oh well some writing buds: @kari-karast @i-david @fledgling-artist @e_elaine_soup5

    Edit: Totally forgets to put a link in *facepalm* Here!

    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1j6VDBtZta-YV5uiUyve-BecEXOgCFVnkJ3-J0KBfFSI/edit?usp=sharing

    “Scarlet, What are you eating?” ~ “Ghost peppers...” ~ Robin sighed.

    #83078
    Veraza Winterknight
    @kari-karast

    @scarletimmortalized

    I’ll try if you want! I’m rather bad at critiquing but I can give it a shot. 🙂

    Anyways. Where’s this oneshot of yours?

    "You can dance with my henchman."

    #83080
    Knowledgeful Butterfly
    @e_elaine_soup5

    I am honored to be called one of your writing buddies

    and *cracks knuckles* (I actually did when I read the grammar part, btw) am ready to point out sound and syntax and rhythm and emotion.

    but, I have to go to bed now.

    I will read it later, I swear

    i could've gone outside to take a walk, but i know that i wouldn't've come back

    #83085
    ScarletImmortalized
    @scarletimmortalized

    @kari-karast

    I totally forgot the link so I added it in an edit. Thanks guys!

    “Scarlet, What are you eating?” ~ “Ghost peppers...” ~ Robin sighed.

    #83089
    R.M. Archer
    @r-m-archer

    1 & 2. I’m a super unemotional reader, so I’m not the best to answer this. XD

    3. Somewhere in the middle, for me. It wasn’t hugely “meh,” but it wasn’t spectacular either.

    4. Yes. You did a pretty good job of making it stand alone effectively.

    5. Yes. I could only get to know them but so well through a short piece, but even this short piece showed a lot of their character, so I can still confidently say I liked them. 🙂

    Fantasy/dystopian/sci-fi author. Mythology nerd. ENFP. Singer.

    #83091
    Veraza Winterknight
    @kari-karast

    Alright. XD Glad it’s up there now.

    It’s kinda late over here abd my brain isn’t working quite right so I’ll read it tomorrow when I can do a better job of examining it. But I will I promise!

    "You can dance with my henchman."

    #83094
    ScarletImmortalized
    @scarletimmortalized

    Thanks!


    @r-m-archer

    Lol I understand…mainly because I’m not an emotional reader……

    Thanks for everything! I really appreciated your comments! Also the grammar help…commas *facepalm*

    “Scarlet, What are you eating?” ~ “Ghost peppers...” ~ Robin sighed.

    #83105
    R.M. Archer
    @r-m-archer

    @scarletimmortalized

    No problem! I enjoyed it. 🙂

    Fantasy/dystopian/sci-fi author. Mythology nerd. ENFP. Singer.

    #83125
    Veraza Winterknight
    @kari-karast

    Okay! I read it!

    1. I’d say you did a pretty good job of showing not telling, as for the rawness, I could definitely feel the emotional charge the two main characters had.
    2. As for improvement, I’m not really sure. Maybe put in some more subtle showings of the emotions as well?
    3. It was definitely a good read!
    4. I also understood the background pretty clearly. Like, the only thing I’m still wondering about is how they can see ghosts, but other than that it was a good stand alone!
    5. I liked the characters. It was short, but in that shortness I got a bit of a feel for each one and so I know I liked them.

    "You can dance with my henchman."

    #83126
    I, David
    @i-david

    Scarlatte, I will get to this as soon as I can.

    Four
    INFP
    songwriter

    #83185
    Knowledgeful Butterfly
    @e_elaine_soup5

    It was great!

    I think that the emotion is portrayed well, but when the second guy comes in, make the first have more recognition (I thought they were nemisises of some sort.)

    i could've gone outside to take a walk, but i know that i wouldn't've come back

    #83216
    Taylor Clogston
    @taylorclogston

    For one and two and three, this was too melodramatic for my tastes. Maybe I would think differently if I’d gone through a whole book with these characters and experienced these things with them as they happened, but at the moment it feels like the climax of a book without the benefit of the buildup of that whole book.

    I don’t really know how I’d suggest improving it, because this is something I also struggle with =P The advice I’ve been given is to make sure I “earn” my more over the top moments, but you don’t really have the freedom to do that in this short format. I would definitely suggest toning down the vivid and lengthy descriptions. The draw of this piece is the dialogue, and in my opinion you’d be well-served in toning down everything else so it’s a solid, bland, and non-distracting foundation upon which the conflict of their dialogue can rest.

    Here’s a video on melodrama I found personally helpful. I hope you do too.

    4. I definitely understood the background. In fact, I think you were too on the nose with it. You could get away with a lot more subtlety than you’re allowing yourself at the moment. There’s no need to point out that Gwen was Jaiden’s wife, and you could add some tension to the scene by gradually revealing that Jaiden and Darrow were once close, rather than spilling it all out at the beginning and then repeatedly reminding us of it.

    5. I think there’s a solid core to Jaiden. He wonders at the beginning whether or not he made the right choice, and seeing him keep up that uncertainty would be nice. Right now, it feels like Jaiden is just easily and completely in the right and that Darrow is a blustering, cruel psychopath with no conflict in him at all.

    I really liked the stuff with the ghosts, by the way. It was a neat touch, and I appreciate that you didn’t feel the need to exposit whether it was all in Jaiden’s head or whether there’s some weird magic system at work.

    "...the one with whom he so sought to talk has already interceded for him." -The Master and Margarita

    #83220
    ScarletImmortalized
    @scarletimmortalized

    @kari-karast Thank you for your feedback! The ghost part is well…ambiguous…aka I don’t know what I’m doing.


    @i-david
    Thanks!


    @e_elaine_soup5
    Alright! Thanks!


    @taylorclogston
    Thanks for all your comments and answers! Mom always said I was a drama queen, I’ll look into that video! The subtlety and character development answers were helpful as well. I always like it when someone helps me step back and appraise my work. I didn’t feel like explaining the ghosts lol! Thanks for everything again!

    “Scarlet, What are you eating?” ~ “Ghost peppers...” ~ Robin sighed.

    #83264
    I, David
    @i-david

    1. I think you handled it well. I loved how the story started, and you kept the character’s motivations and feelings balanced  just right throughout the whole thing.

    2. Probably, but I can’t put it to adequate words, which means you did a really good job and there’s no need for critique here from me.

    3. It was an incredibly solid read, especially for a one-shot. Way better and more interesting than even some published bokks I’ve read. Outstanding work, Scarlatte.

    4 and 5. You handled both of these very well. You gave us good exposition and history whilst avoiding heavy info-dumping and name-dropping, which is a huge success. The people were also very imteresting, and I definitely want to know more about their story.

     

    Lastly, I echo 5oup in saying, “Yay, I’m a ‘writing bud’!”, as well as noting that the theme of ghosts was clever and intruiging.

     

    Ghosts/10, want to read more.

    Four
    INFP
    songwriter

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