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Reply To: Anyone up for cheking out a (very) short story?

Forums Fiction General Writing Discussions Anyone up for cheking out a (very) short story? Reply To: Anyone up for cheking out a (very) short story?

#50082
Grace
@h-jones

I really like this story. 🙂 You did an amazing job! It makes me curious about the lives of both Sergio and his father. Offers much to be pondered. All in all, I say well done! It was particularly gripping, at least for me, especially for something with so little background (not at all saying that’s a bad thing, I’m just comparing to say, novels, where you grow to know the characters and their stories over a course of time, yk xD). By the end of the story, I admired Sergio’s father for his courage and resolve, and honestly felt really sad for Sergio on many levels. I kind of felt attached to them, which was a feat given the length! Good job Libby!!

As for the general make-up of it, I think it all kind of comes down to taste in a lot of areas, and what I like may be different from what, say, you or someone else may enjoy. I don’t really know the actual rules for what makes a well-made story. Therefore! I will limit my critique to simply this:

Two stories below him, an old, withered man slept, curled up against the cold walls of his imprisonment.

If it were me, I’d probably end up changing this word because “imprisonment” to me has always seemed like an idea, as opposed to an actual concrete place. Terms like “cage,” “container,” or even just the actual word “prison” may have suited it better. Also a thing to remember (only pointing this out because I have a ridiculously hard time with it myself xD) is that bigger words don’t always mean higher quality writing. I’ve read a few stories where it seemed there was a three syllable word every other sentence and they weren’t that good, and others where the author used the simplest terms and it was revolutionary. (Not to say your writing wasn’t good, though. I loved it!)

Some things I loved about this piece were:

A ridge of tooth-marks dug into his frostbitten fingers.

Bruh. That imagery tho.

“You know you will die.” It was Sergio who said this. He meant it to be stern, but it came out as a weak plea.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THIS. IT SHOWED THAT SERGIO WAS STILL HUMAN AND I WAS JUST LIKE ASHDSADFSADOGSHDGFSKDFS SERGIO DON’T DO THIS BOI

Great job yet again! Enjoyable read. Keep up the good work! 😀

Oh also, forgot to mention, the quote you used belongs to one of my favorite speeches of all time. If you haven’t read it already, I highly recommend it!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Grace.

Secretly Hedgehog Jones. Don’t tell anyone.

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