Reply To: Post the first paragraph of your WIP here and get feedback

Forums Fiction General Writing Discussions Post the first paragraph of your WIP here and get feedback Reply To: Post the first paragraph of your WIP here and get feedback

Steward of the Pen

Great topic @esjohnson!

I love how you introduced the characters there. It made me very curious about their backgrounds. Their character traits and the way they viewed each other was very intriguing.

The main thing is the setting seems a bit cheerful for a funeral, but maybe you did that on purpose? I don’t know who Betty Clay was or how she died, but the upbeat feel to everything hints (in my mind) that she was not at all a likeable person and that no one would really miss her.

Great start, especially with the characters!

Here’s mine:

In the heart of everything good there is a fire. Sometimes that fire is roaring, drowning out every dark doubt with a passionate blaze. Other times that fire is dying—a single ember clinging to life as darkness sinks down upon it.

Darkness sank heavily on Yelodria that night.

Threatening black clouds masked the last glow of sunlight. The stars trembled out of sight behind them, as if they dreaded to watch the terrors that would unfold. 

A stealthy four-legged creature dove into a tunnel, slinking along so low that his tongue almost licked the trampled dust. Something like a chuckle slipped out from between his snarling lips. 

Voices echoed through the connecting chambers, but the tunnel was dark and empty. The wolf trotted along it for nearly half a mile before it ended in a large well-lit chamber. The Alpha of Loklab was waiting for him there.

Flickering rapidly, the flame in the center of the room flung distorted shadows of the Alpha on the walls, reflecting his twisted personality. His low, malicious laugh vibrated in the air as he watched Mokom, his young Chief Warrior, enter the room.

Mokom joined him in his glee, their excitement of that long anticipated night exploding from their lungs and bouncing off the walls. The fire shrunk.

“Alpha Yeath,” Mokom asked between snickers, “what are my orders? Shall anyone in the family be spared?”

Yeath stopped laughing. His chest swelled and he arched his neck. “No.” A horrid gleam sprang into his eyes. “Kill them all.”

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