Reply To: Post the first paragraph of your WIP here and get feedback

Forums Fiction General Writing Discussions Post the first paragraph of your WIP here and get feedback Reply To: Post the first paragraph of your WIP here and get feedback

#40185
naomijackson
@naomijackson

    @katthewriter Hi Kat!

    Looks like you have a great start to your story!

    I thought I would mention a few “content” type things because typos and all that are some of the easiest things to weed out. XD

    A few things I noticed:

    *You began the story with a direct quotation. (Most authors stay away from beginning a book with a direct quotation because the first sentence is so crucial for getting things off on the right foot and setting the foundation of the Who What Where When Why.) I also noticed that the quotation isn’t credited–and the person who spoke it doesn’t seem to be in the next few paragraphs. It just felt a little awkward to have a quotation begin the entire story, without ever knowing who said it.

    *I like how your story is off with a BANG–the main character is already neck deep in whatever is going on and is definitely going someplace fast. The caution I would have with that is not to wait too long to tell your readers what is going on. It can be incredibly frustrating to read about someone being chased and not know WHY.

    *The contrast between night/being scared and then beautiful day/still being scared is great. *high five* I like that it’s not the cliche “Everything seemed better in the morning.” 🙂

    *Writing first person POV means that it can become stream of consciousness very quickly–which can be fine. The trick is to maintain a narrative flow at the same time. Basically, your POV character is playing two roles: them, and narrator. This is a problem when there isn’t anyone else to help quantify your MC. Is it a girl or a boy? Young or old? Human or not (depending on the genre)? These are all questions that need to be answered within the first chapter so your reader can relax into the story itself.

    *One thing I cannot recommend enough is to read your work out loud!! Reading out loud helps you check awkward sentence structure and believability. I can’t count how many times I’ve written something that sounded amazing in my head but became so stupid out loud. 😉 This is also the #1 way I’ve found of getting rid of excess words. If you stumble over a word every time you read it, it most likely doesn’t need to be there at all. 😉

    *If she/he is being chased, why is she/he laying in a field for what seemed like hours right after having slept that night? *an honest question from a curious reader*

    Great job on your start! I would definitely keep reading if there was more!

    (And sorry if I nerded on you too much. Please know that everything was typed in a great spirit of excitement and a true desire to help. I love stories so much I can’t keep myself from trying to help them grow. ;))

    A dreamer who plans, and a planner who dreams; a paradox.

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