Reply To: Prose Questions

[Joelle Stone]

Alfonso and his chancery paid the mercenary captains, and the captains paid the mercenaries, but Drastan often got the feeling that their captains took even more than their greater share already demanded.

I think it’s good. 🙂

Darkness cloaked the world in shadows by the time Drastan had entered the streets of Toledo.

Maybe The world was cloaked in shadows by the time Drastan entered the streets of Toledo.

For the one about Wren, yep, sounds fine!

Drastan glared at them, and then turned and strode away.

Yeaaaah… it’s usually best to avoid using “then”. Maybe try Drastan glared at them before turning and striding away. Or Glaring, Drastan turned and strode away. If it’s a single instance, using “then” isn’t going to kill your prose. 😉

This is a question of telling vs showing for me. Is the phrase ‘growing impatient’ feel like pure telling, or is it something that you would write while still trying to feel close to the character’s head?

Depends on the pacing of the scene. If it’s a fast-paced action sequence, you don’t have time for long, flowery descriptions alluding to his impatience. If it’s a slower, more cautious-type scene, you can use body language (tapping his foot, eyes restlessly roaming the streets, shifting from foot to foot, etc.) to indicate his impatience. Not an expert on this at all, though, so take that advice with a grain of salt. 😉

Drastan placed a hand on the cool stone of the elegant building, and glared at Fadrique’s back.

KILL THE COMMAAAAAA!!!!! *coughs* Ahem. Yes, it can go. Or try, Drastan placed a hand on the cool stone of the elegant building, glaring at Fadrique’s back.

Would you say ‘with a long knife gripped in his hand?’

Yep. 🙂

Is the bolded ‘that’ needed?

Technically, yes. Practically, no. 🙂

Crackling torches that rose a full head above Drastan lined the stone paths, illuminating its lavish contents.

Is the bolded ‘that’ needed?

In this instance, “that” changes the usage of “rose”. I can’t really explain it, but try reading it out loud with the that and without it and I think you’ll catch on to my meaning. Personally, I’d take it out, but that’s just me. 🙂

The young woman’s mouth worked for a moment, and then she nodded.

Do you need “the young woman”? Could you just use “her”? I’ll use her, but replace that if you need to. Her mouth worked for a moment before she nodded. Or, Her mouth worked for a moment as she thought. Finally, after what seemed to be ages, she nodded. <– That one is a bit more flowery. Not sure of the pacing of this scene, so I don’t know if it’d fit or not. 😉

Would you replace ‘began gathering’ with ‘gathered?’ I.e, are words like ‘began’ and ‘start’ ever okay to use?

Eh, I’d usually try to avoid them, but once again, it’s not going to kill your prose if you use them once or twice. You don’t really need it in this sentence, tho. 😉

“Yes. I’m having a hard time piecing together who in the world is after us. The fact that all three of us were attacked–” Drastan swallowed as an image of Kelren’s pierced chest flashed through his mind. “–it clearly shows that whoever wants us dead has something to do with last night’s murder.”

Ahh, this is a hard one. I’ve seen it written in books with the em dashes outside of the quotation marks: “…three of us were attacked” –Drastan swallowed as an image of Kelren’s pierced chest flashed through his mind– “it clearly shows that…” Also seen them completely disregarded, like this: “…three of us were attacked,” Drastan swallowed as an image of Kelren’s pierced chest flashed through his mind, “it clearly shows that…” *shrugs* Not sure of the “correct” usage here.

Would you ever write a sentence like that for third person limited?

Yurp. ‘Specially ’cause they seem to be for more action-packed, fast-paced scenes where you want punchy sentences. 🙂

In the first sentence, is that too much telling for emotion? In the second sentence, would you ever use the phrase ‘but that didn’t mean?’

Looks good to me for both cases! *thumbs up*

Ignoring the sensation of vulnerability that lying on the ground while talking gave to her, she said,

Exactly like that. XD

Would you use the bolded ‘that’ above?

Yep, I would. 🙂

Thanks for the tag! Best of luck. 😀