Hi, I’m so glad you posted about this!
This whole story felt very familiar to me, especially these parts:
I find myself having sinful thoughts in regards to some of my characters, or sometimes, just wild thoughts in general, even if what I’m writing about is innocuous. Sometimes, even the most innocent things can trigger disgusting thoughts.
and
(and that has happened before – it got so bad I was just standing in my house, too paralyzed to do anything because everything felt sinful).
I struggled with this exact thing a few years ago. (This was before I became a writer, so it took a slightly different shape, but I know exactly what you mean)
Often, I’ve had thoughts that upset, disgusted, or unsettled me. They were almost always faith-related as well. It can be incredibly isolating and terrifying.
Your thoughts often aren’t a reflection of what you really think. They just happen. It’s not your fault. Sometimes your mind supplies thoughts you don’t agree with or that upset you.
It’s helped me to just take a deep breath and think “Okay, I had this thought. I don’t agree with it, because of X.” And then dismiss it.
You often can’t control the thoughts, just your reaction to them. For me, whenever I tried to suppress the thoughts, they instantly became worse and more frequent.
If they keep coming and you can’t think of anything else, it’s helped me to find a distraction. For others, prayer helps. I often found myself too distressed to pray. (Christian) music helped a lot, sometimes humming along with it to distract myself was just enough to pull me out of that spiral for a while.
As you mentioned, you don’t get dragged into these thoughts because you’re writing about them, they just happen even when you’re writing something unrelated. This might mean it’s not necessarily your writing that’s causing it. There might not be any cause. For me, there was never a definite cause. It just happened.
I completely second K.M:
Personally, and from what I know about discernment, I would avoid making an ultimate decision while in a place of huge anxiety. Confusion and anxiety are not of God, and it’s difficult to hear his voice in the midst of them. If you want to pause on writing to give you some peace until you can discern better, that’s good. Or maybe talking to a pastor or parent or friend can help too. I think when God convicts us of sin, it’s not in a way that terrifies us. It’s a quiet conviction in our hearts, gently but also very firmly urging us back to him. Like how he was with the woman caught in adultery. He knows your struggle and anxiety and wants to reach you and guide you toward truth. You’ll be in my prayers!!
This anxiety isn’t your fault, and God isn’t a God of chaos and anxiety. Many, many people have struggled with this too, and you’re never alone! Talking to someone about it often helps so much, even if it’s just someone to sympathize with you!
If writing is causing you distress, by all means, take a break from it! Don’t throw anything away, just shelve it for a while. If writing no longer brings you joy, you won’t be writing your best work, and you’ll enjoy it even less.
I hoped this helped some, I don’t really have any great advice, I just know what helped me, and I hope it might help you too 🙂
This too shall pass. I know it feels like forever but it will get easier. I’ll be praying for you!
Without darkness, there is no light. If there was no nighttime, would the stars be as bright?
