This is a really good question, and I hope I’m not the only one who can say that I’ve also struggled with it. I’ve a couple thoughts that hopefully help, but initially, I found this article that I think addresses a lot of what you’re struggling with.
A couple thoughts:
1. Fiction is a mirror of reality. Reality contains evil. So I think it is impossible to be a storyteller without portraying that evil… to a degree. We as writers especially have control over what sort of darkness we expose our minds to, and we can adjust depending on what we know our weak points are.
2. The imagination is powerful, so we have to be careful about what kind of images we put into it. Now, that does not mean that all evil can’t be put in it. Think about the Passion and Death of Our Lord. You have a ton of violence, hatred, even nudity in there. Yet we mediate on it still (though with some filters, like clothing for Our Lord). But we mediate on it hating the evil, feeling sorrowful for its existence, and loving the good.
3. I think that’s how we as Christian storytellers should approach our writing. We discern filters (such as how detailed a kiss is described. I usually keep it at “they kissed for a moment” and move on in my head). Then when we portray evil, we beg God for the grace to look upon it as he did. With sorrow, and a righteous anger at the injustice of it.
4. In doing this,I think we have to be careful what our “mental screensaver” is. Are we spending a lot of time thinking about dark and violent scenes? We do need to plan them. But we don’t (and shouldn’t, I believe) stay stuck in them. I catch myself often going over heavy thematic moments with my characters that leave me feeling…well, heavy. Do I need to accurately and creatively portray that scene? Absolutely. Do I need to think about it as much as I do? Nope. It takes mental discipline. There are parts of my story I have changed, and habits as a writer that I have changed, in order to make my writing pleasing to God.
4. Thus, I think there ARE risks to being a storyteller in general. But I think with prudence, we can still safeguard our hearts and write works that teach people to love what is good and hate what is evil. It takes prayer. A lot of prayer. But God is faithful.
5. Personally, and from what I know about discernment, I would avoid making an ultimate decision while in a place of huge anxiety. Confusion and anxiety are not of God, and it’s difficult to hear his voice in the midst of them. If you want to pause on writing to give you some peace until you can discern better, that’s good. Or maybe talking to a pastor or parent orfriend can help too. I think when God convicts us of sin, it’s not in a way that terrifies us. It’s a quiet conviction in our hearts, gently but also very firmly urging us back to him. Like how he was with the woman caught in adultery. He knows your struggle and anxiety and wants to reach you and guide you toward truth. You’ll be in my prayers!!
"Beauty will save the world." - Dostoevsky