I’ve been praying about my writing, but it’s come during a very difficult few days of writing, including being told that I shouldn’t be writing stories because I clearly don’t care about characters and don’t write in a way that reflects reality.
I can’t say that praying has helped me through it. Even though I know rationally that this criticism’s not true, it still hurts, and I can’t escape the question of “What if it is true?”
The aspect of leaning on faith is one that I’ve found hard to lean on in the way the current article series has suggested. I need this book to sell if I don’t want to go back to working in a factory, a job which made me feel like life was not worth living almost every day for nearly a decade.
I can’t control the future and no amount of my effort can make a book sell if that’s not what the Lord requires of my life, but at a certain level I do need to make sure I’m not in a position where my stories are useless and my characters don’t resonate with reality. I need to be responsible for doing good work.
I feel the fear of not wanting to go back. Faith is an active thing I wield like an implement, not a thing that comforts me and gives me hope for the future. It’s the realization of responsibility and duty to never forget that I can’t do anything God doesn’t intend and that all ability I have comes from him, but that also it’s entirely possible this writing thing is only for a season or two, because that’s just sometimes what God requires of people, that I have no right to complain if that’s the case, especially since I’m getting a sort of life vacation in attempting work I enjoy, an opportunity most people in human history have never and will never receive.
I pray continually. Maybe it’s keeping me a bit more accountable to acknowledging that whatever good will come is what God wills and that, even if I fail to write something that touches people, if I earnestly desire to serve the Lord, then He’ll do with it whatever He thinks is best.
Actually being joyful in response to that knowledge is another thing altogether that I probably need to pray better for.
"...the one with whom he so sought to talk has already interceded for him." -The Master and Margarita