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#135891

@noah-cochran

Sorry it took me so long to read over this!

My initial thoughts are that it is definitely very descriptive, sometimes overly so, though I think you may know that already by requesting advice. The overall scene isn’t bad, it’s just sometimes the description can get to be a little much. Not to say that it all needs to go. Quite a bit of it adds a lot to the scene, making it come alive in my mind so I can picture the street as they ride through and picture the honoured guest resembling his own coat of arms. 😛 Haha (: I think where it gets to be a little much is when you almost double describe things, if you get what I mean. For instance, when you mention the two knights who are fully decked out in armour, guarding the coach, you then go on to say what all they’re wearing. In my mind, I don’t need that extra description, because you’ve already said it in the previous part of the sentence when you called them fully armoured (or however you specifically said that). So I think it’s little things like that which end up taking away from the flow of the story as well as just make for unnecessary reading.

One tip I did think of as I read and that I’ve learned over my time writing: description isn’t bad (in fact it’s good), but it needs to be the important things that you add description to. And also, instead of writing any old description about something, make each description colourful and unique, as much as you are able. For instance, when you were describing the street as they rode through it, I got a good mental image because of how you mentioned the animals in front of the houses and unique facts like that, versus typical things like saying that the houses were run down and needed a lot of work. When you say that there are animals roaming freely in front of the houses, I automatically picture the houses as rather run down, because no manicured home would have animals rooting around in the front yard. Know what I mean?

Anyway, I hope that helped at least a little. Oh, also, I like how it’s in first person and he has little thoughts that go through his head throughout the scene. Like the last sentence of the scene where he thinks: ‘Maybe this week wouldn’t be so bad after all.’ It makes the story more interesting to read.

Even the smallest person can change the course of the future. -JRR Tolkien

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