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#135475
Cathy
@this-is-not-an-alien

Hello!

Well I guess I’m a bookaholic and a talkaholic (at least to my introvert friends…actually, yeah everybody) *bowls over with a hug* 💖

It takes a lot of courage to be the first person to open up, thank you 💖

I have to say I’ve never wanted to rely on others either, I let myself be convinced it was selfish to ask for help and every day I constantly felt pushed and pushed to be the best, the smartest, the holiest, the kindest. And if I was vulnerable or bubbly, well then obviously I was being “selfish” “a dramaqueen” “too sensitive” “silly/girly”. As if Jesus Himself hadn’t shown a full range of emotions especially to the disciples He loved and trusted.

Turned out though that I could make friends pretty well whenever I was actually around people and I usually was the smartest kid in the room or at least came off that way. And I hated it so much because I never learned anything or connected deeply. I actually wanted to cut myself rather frequently, I mean who cares about mental health anyway as long as your homework assignments are perfect? (:

But apparently we’re supposed to “love your neighbor as yourself” (I personally read “test all your bad helpful advice on yourself first” 😉 So, that’s fun! Writing was actually the first thing I ever started just because it was something I wanted to do. A couple days before I turned thirteen I decided I’d write a novel. In a year. Without an outline. (genius aren’t I?)

By some catastrophic freak accident of fate (read depression/anxiety/boredom and no other hobbies) I actually did finish the first draft a week or so after I turned fourteen. And that was about when I realized I probably needed a shrink XD. But it did force me to pull my emotions out of the freezer and actually tune into my pathetic existence (right right God don’t make no junk, never mind XD).

I started pursuing my dreams regardless of how much encouragement I didn’t get. I started measuring criticism by “would I take advice from this person as readily as their insults?” and then really looking honestly at it to see if there was something I needed to change (90% of the time “yes, but not what they wanted to change”). I started noting dishonesty and stopped attracting manipulation and venting vampires. Or at least I started recognizing that behavior as more reflective of their pain than my failure and started being more free to try to root out that behavior in me, like twisting the truth by “being polite” or neglecting to mention “unimportant details” that might make someone upset for the sake of “keeping the peace”, every so often I’d catch myself outright lying reflexively.

I taught myself instead I could establish proper boundaries without being “selfish” and whether I was too sensitive or not was really a matter of how ready was the other person to accept talking about emotions in a healthy way more often than not. That’s a process and I think with God’s grace, with prayer, and with perseverance I’ll probably get it. Five minutes after I die 😅😂

But without being so insecure I was much more free to actually help and inspire others which is what I’ve always dreamed of doing.

It was once said that “Man is not an island unto himself”.  Well. I thought I could be, and if an “island” I was going to be Maui. [Just can’t seem to stay serious for very long…I think it’s a defensive mechanism. If I can have people laugh with me, then they may not laugh…at..me.]

[ow, owowowowowowowowowowowowowowow owwwww! I feel called out, I feel attacked! 😨😅]

It wouldn’t do to let anyone know the “nerd and uncoordinated, half-blind son” of the preacher, had such bitterness in his heart, that he despised those who might judge him and find him wanting.

Oh I’m blind in my left eye and I have the coordination of a dead chicken😄! I’m waiting for someone to criticize me for some silly mistake so I can yell “Blame it on the little guy how original he must’ve read the schedule wrong with his ONE EYE!!!” like that preview for Monsters’ Inc 😀

And your blog looks awesome! What site/program did you use to design it? About how much does it cost erhm…XD?

But it is so incredibly necessary to connect, like you said God gave us a very basic need to reach out, to love others and to be loved. So often we feel like we’re the only person who feels this deeply, that nothing we’d do would be able to convey the pain, that no one would listen or understand. We can get so caught in our own pain we don’t see our needs and we don’t see things in perspective.

We often don’t see the person who hurt us as someone too hurt to manage their own emotions, and we find it so hard to isolate the emotions from our own emotions or to understand that sometimes the best thing you can do is accept and walk away from someone who won’t change.

Erhm, ah…awkward, unnecessary tangent XD…uh😅, God bless! (I’m gonna go throw up now…😶😫🤮 (I can’t believe there are actually emojis for that😁)

Don't let the voices in your head drive you insane;only some of them can drive; most are underage

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