Hey @irishcelticredflowercrown thanks for reposting all that stuff. Before I continue on with the critique, I did want to answer the question you had before it vanished (and I want to keep this thread separate to keep text bloat down)
“PS. I have been having some trouble with one particular narrative I want to include, but now I’m not so sure anymore if I even want to, because it is confusing and a bit problematic. I won’t be giving names because it is a major plot point. It’s basically the superhero alter ego type: a character disguises himself as a mysterious guardian figure for the protagonist because he is sworn to protect that person. He uses this tactic because he actually happens to be on the wrong side of the war, more or less. He doesn’t want the protagonist to know who he truly is in order to protect her. He meets the heroine on several occasions as both alter egos. And – I might as well say it – there is going to be a romance between them. And for the past couple of years, I had this emotional scene in my head where his true identity is revealed.
However I don’t want to be put in a situation where the readers have long figured who he actually is or when it is revealed, it doesn’t have an effect on them at all. I guess what I’m asking is can something like this work? I know that there is secrecy and dishonesty between them, which would be a problem for the actual love story. How far is too far? Any thoughts? Maybe you don’t have any thoughts at all on this lol, that’s totally okay if you don’t :)”
Well, fundamentally, I guess the core question is whether or not you want to include a story arc like that; it is your story after all. The exact nature or unfolding of that arc can always be edited if it clashes with the rest of the story, but before removing it I would consider why it is you want to write it in the first place. If you know that, the rest can kinda fall into place.