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Reply To: Character description critiques/game

Forums Fiction Characters Character description critiques/game Reply To: Character description critiques/game

#134459
Rose
@rose-colored-fancy

@this-is-not-an-alien

Totally forgot to reply! *Facepalm*

Nonono that is not too much detail and there is no such thing as “too much detail” if you incorporate it in an engaging way and that was fun to read! It showed so much character and really brought me into the scene.

Thank you so much! I’ll definitely use this piece!


@dakota

Sure! Awesome to have you!

Okay, first thing! Your description is pretty good already! I like the action in the scene and the contrast in the description.

What I’d try to do is group the description together, since it feels like you’re repeating information (Even though you’re not, you’re just detailing, which is good!) It’s kind of scattered, as if your camera is jumping around, it isn’t following the natural order of most noticeable to least noticeable.

So, the most noticeable features you have are how small, thin, and scared she is. That’s a good starting point!

Here’s what I’d do:

First group:

Every ragged gasp heaved her thin shoulders and each nerve in her wiry figure quivered.

Second:

Tatters of stained clothing draped around her bony figure. She was covered in sweat and dirt, and her hands and knees were scraped as if she had fallen in her haste. (Yeah, that bit is artistic license, you might need to take that out XD)

Third:

Her hazel eyes were too large and round for her thin face. They peered up from beneath the table, wild and weak. They looked years older than the rest of her. They rounded even more as she saw him.

“I need a place to hide.” She blurted.

 

See, if you do it this way, it’s almost like you’re zooming in. First, you see that she’s small and she’s been running, then you elaborate on that a bit, and then you set the contrast of her big, scared eyes against that.

Very striking scene and I hope this helped!

"Stories are light. Light is precious in a world so dark." The Tale of Despereaux

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