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Forums Fiction Characters Character description critiques/game Reply To: Character description critiques/game

#133876
Rose
@rose-colored-fancy

@this-is-not-an-alien

Thank you so much! You’re brilliant!! That’s fabulous! (You know Liorah so well XD)

Okay, here’s the next rewrite of that piece. I did end up changing their clothing, because of historical accuracy. (Or at least, historical feasibility XD)

Sahar was bouncing with excitement, so much so that her skirt rippled around her ankles. She spun in a graceful dance step, enjoying the way her clothing swished.

The sunny yellow of Sahar’s blouse complimented her dark brown skin and she wore jewelry like Mother wore decorum, with careless grace. On anyone else, the flashing bangles, sparkling earrings, jingling anklets, and bright colors would have looked gaudy and overdone, but they suited her perfectly.

I only wore my kolye, the mark of my rank. If I forgot that, Mother and Uncle might pretend I wasn’t a part of the royal family. Sahar wore hers too, the violet glass bangle on a copper chain marking her as an Orme without the weight of a rank.

In comparison to Sahar’s natural grace, I felt prim and gawky, like the yearling horses that seemed to get their legs tangled up constantly. Even the wide sash and full skirt of my white and blue dress couldn’t create the illusion of curves, and the lines of my dress somehow managed to make me look even taller than I was.

I had spent too many hours working on the embroidery on the bodice. Perhaps I should have listened to Mother when she warned me that the azure swirls would make my shoulders look ungracefully broad. Instead, I’d told her I knew what I was doing and I would be the only person who cared what the dress looked like anyway. I shook my head to drive out the thoughts. My braid slid off my shoulder and flopped onto my back, trailing down to my hips.

Sahar hadn’t managed to persuade me to wear it up in the formal fashion. I reminded her that it always gave me headaches and that meant I would unravel it halfway through the coronation. That meant my hair would look like a lion’s mane, which wasn’t generally considered appropriate to formal occasions. I’d done it before, and I’d do it again. The compromise was three narrow braids that merged into one thick one. It was much more comfortable.

Who cared what I looked like? Gav would be the center of attention, as usual. All I had to do was stay out of the way.

Sahar finally spun to a stop, giggling as she dizzily tried to regain her balance. Her inky curls bounced around her shoulders and a gleaming knife thudded next to her slippered feet.

I couldn’t help grinning. Despite all her bright sweetness, Sahar was not a prim young lady.

Wow, how’d I end up writing that much?? I think it’s too long, but I’m also describing Liorah and adding backstory at the same time. Still, I think I’m sinking into the ‘too-much-detail’ trap again.

Okay, tear away y’all! Show no mercy! XD Thank you guys so much for the critiques, they’re so helpful!

"Stories are light. Light is precious in a world so dark." The Tale of Despereaux

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