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Reply To: Character description critiques/game

Forums Fiction Characters Character description critiques/game Reply To: Character description critiques/game

#133816
Arindown (Gracie)
@arindown

@rose-colored-fancy

Sahar raised one foot in an improvised dance step, spinning so the white ruffles of the underskirt peeped out beneath her violet dress. The yellow flowers twisted against the purple fabric. The bright colors complimented her deep brown skin. Her jingling bangles, anklets, and earrings caught the light of the oil lamp. According to Sahar, there was no such thing as too much jewelry. It suited her, but I wore only my kolye, the forehead chain indicating my rank. Sahar wore hers too, the deep purple of the amethyst showing she was an Orme. (One of the tribes) Her inky curls bounced around her shoulders as she spun to a stop. A gleaming knife thudded to the sand next to her bare feet.

I like it. I think the biggest thing might be to focus on exactly what you want your reader to notice. For example, you could probably take out the part about the white underskirt and replace it by calling the violet dress “layered.” You also might be able to combine the sentence about jewelry and her skin color by making them contrast each-other…”Jewellery on her ankles and wrists flashed in the firelight, gold against her brown skin.” Or something like that.😆  I think one of the easiest ways to contrast is to use the word like…”Moving like the wind,” or “Purple like a the sky at dusk.”

Her inky curls bounced around her shoulders as she spun to a stop. A gleaming knife thudded to the sand next to her bare feet.

I like this part (above) the best, because it has personality to it, and because it shows what it looked like. You give me little hints (inky, bounced, gleaming, etc.) that contrast and bring to mind other things I have seen. Inky brings to mind something silky, black, and reflective to the light around it. And bounced tells me how the hair moved…kind of a playful swishing movement.

One other suggestion would be to cut out the word the at the beginning of sentences. For example, “The yellow flowers twisted…” might sound better as just, “Yellow flowers twisted…”

So…I tore that apart.😝  I hope it wasn’t too much.

I really like this thread, and can hardly wait to post more of my stuff for “shredding”.😊

Not all those who wander are lost.

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