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Hi Erynne! Thanks for joining!

Also, don’t laugh too hard. I wrote it back when I was still new to writing XD

No worries! You can probably do better now, but it actually isn’t that bad!

I really like it, but I think you can describe it a little broader and more concisely, and it would be cool if you connected their appearances to their personalities!

Here’s an example:

Pete was surely the most intimidating pirate on board. Everything about him was big, except his small, dark eyes, which peered at the world maliciously. The others weren’t as petrifying. Olin had gray hair and a thick mustache which made him look more like a grandfather than a pirate.

I probably got that horribly wrong, but you see what I mean XD


@joelle-stone @this-is-not-an-alien @erynne

Here’s another excerpt where I’m describing Sahar in a fancy/formal dress, so I’m describing her and the clothing at the same time. I’m pretty sure it isn’t working and I can’t get perspective on it, so I’m asking y’all to mercilessly shred it to pieces.

Sahar raised one foot in an improvised dance step, spinning so the white ruffles of the underskirt peeped out beneath her violet dress. The yellow flowers twisted against the purple fabric. The bright colors complimented her deep brown skin.

Her jingling bangles, anklets, and earrings caught the light of the oil lamp. According to Sahar, there was no such thing as too much jewelry. It suited her, but I wore only my kolye, the forehead chain indicating my rank. Sahar wore hers too, the deep purple of the amethyst showing she was an Orme. (One of the tribes)

Her inky curls bounced around her shoulders as she spun to a stop. A gleaming knife thudded to the sand next to her bare feet.

Don’t ask why she’s carrying a knife to a formal event XD

"Stories are light. Light is precious in a world so dark." The Tale of Despereaux

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