WARNING – This will be long
Auryon: Why are Phelie and Levi sitting like that?
Elias: They had a fight.
Auryon: Then why are they holding hands?
Elias: Phelie gets sad when they fight.
Phelie: Truth or dare?
Phelie: How many hours’ sleep have you had this week?
Phelie: Go to sleep
Will: What did you guys get in your yearbook?
Wes: Prettiest smile
Jane: Nicest personality.
Aury: Most likely to start a bar fight.
Luke: Least likely to start a bar fight, most likely to win one.
Mal: Name one mean thing I have done ever
Wes: You convinced me that eggs weren’t real
Carmilla: Has anyone told you that they loved you?
Zeric: Do my parents count?
Zeric: Then no.
Mal: If a dead ancestor doesn’t appear in the sky to stop me, it can’t be that bad of a decision.
Jane: You’re so annoying.
Wes: Then stop holding my hand.
Mal: Remember these three words: Don’t argue
Aury: That’s two words
Mal: You’re already failing.
Jane: We’re adults.
Wes: When did this happen?
Mal: And how do we make it stop?
Mal: I’m going to bed, it’s been a long day.
Sera: You’ve been up for three hours.
Phelie: Ugh, I’m so tired. I didn’t get any sleep last night.
Aury: You know, if you can’t sleep it usually means someone is thinking about you.
Phelie: Who would be thinking about me at 3 am?
Levi: *silent panic*
Thomas: I mean, small creatures are way more vicious. It’s because their anger has less space to be bottled up.
Sylvain: Ridiculous. Give me one example of this.
Mal, seeing people do something idiotic: Oh Lord what idiots
Mal, realizing it’s Wes and Luke: Oh no those are my idiots
Phelie: Do you even get enough sleep?
Levi: Well, my eyes close when I sneeze.
Sera: I hope you have a really good explanation for this.
Mal: Actually, I have three. Pick your favorite.
Wes: What can I say? I’m charming and irresponsible.
Jane: You mean irresistible.
Luke: This is a bad idea.
Wes: There are no bad ideas. Only good ideas gone horribly wrong.
Mal: Guys, I think we have a problem.
Elias: What, the fire?
Mal: No, the – wait. What fire?
Elias: Forget it, this sounds more interesting.
Aury: Vodka for me and… a juicebox for him
Elias: Aury I’m an ADULT
Elias: I can order my OWN juicebox
Elias: I promised Aury we wouldn’t do anything stupid!
Luke: Why would you lie to your wife like that?
Sylvain: What was that?
Kindra: My shirt fell
Sylvain: It was heavier than that.
Kindra: I was in it.
Elias: Okay, I’ll start teaching you how to cook today.
Auryon: I don’t know what happened but I burned the water.
Kindra: You have no idea what I’m capable of!!
Thomas: I feel like I’m being threatened by a cupcake.
Mal: When have I done something irresponsible?
Auryon: We keep a list.
Luke: It’s alphabetized.
Elias: Don’t worry. I have this completely under control.
Elias: Ignore that.
Mal: Here’s a list of things that are wrong with you.
Sera: There’s nothing on it…?
Mal: I know
Auryon: My mom used to say the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach.
Elias: Sounds quaint.
Aury: She couldn’t cook.
Jane: I know we don’t always see eye to eye on things…
Wes: That’s because you’re too short.
Phelie: I’m having boy problems.
Aury: Remember, easiest way to any man’s heart is between fourth and fifth rib.
Kindra: *eating a cinnamon roll*
Kindra: *confused chewing noises*
Elias: Aury, I know you’re mad at me right now. But years later you’ll remember this moment and you’ll laugh.
Auryon: Everytime I remember this moment I’ll come to your house and punch you.
Jane: Say no to drugs.
Wes: Say yes to drugs.
Mal: It doesn’t matter what you tell drugs.
Mal: Because if you’re talking to drugs, you’re doing drugs.
Elias: Why do my jackets keep disappearing?
Auryon, wearing one: I wonder
Sera: Wait, are you saying you’d die for me?
Mal: I’d do anything for you my love.
Mal: Except the chores.
Elias: We should hold hands
Elias: For…safety reasons
Aury: Yeah sure
Reid (Aury and Elias’s son): Mommy married you
Auryon: No one knows
Wes: Can you answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?
Mal: If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.
Wes: Don’t correct me!
Jane: Don’t be wrong
Aury: If someone points at your black clothes and asks you whose funeral it is, a look around the room and a casual “haven’t decided yet” is always a good response.
Levi’s brain: Don’t let her know how awkward you are
Phelie: Nice weather
Jane: I wake up with a headache every morning.
Wes: *enters room*
Jane: It’s here again.
Mal: Funny, I have the same headache sometimes.
Wes: Can I say something that will probably annoy you?
Jane: Since when do you ask for permission?
Elias: Words ending in ‘ie’ are so cute. Cookie, sweetie, cutie..
Mal: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?
Jane: *turns to Wes*
Jane: How tall are you?
Wes: 6’3″, why?
Wes: Are you the sun? Because you light up my world.
Jane: Are you a storm? Because when you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
Wes: Must you always attack me with words?
Jane: Do you prefer spells?
Jane: What’s our plan?
Mal: Not get killed?
Mal: I never make the same mistake twice.
Sera: He’s right. He does it 6 or 7 times.
Wes: Am I in trouble?
Mal: Have a guess.
Mal: Have another guess.
Elias: Auryon and I–
Phelie: Are getting married?
Elias: No, we–
Phelie: Sit down, I’ve planned everything.
Sera: I just want to hear those three little words.
Mal: I love you.
Sera: Try again.
Mal: *grumbling* I will behave.
Sera: All you have to say is you made a mistake.
Mal: For the last time, I like my coffee with salt.
Wes: Jane, are you ever going to listen to me?
Jane: Yes. Absolutely.
Jane: When you’re right.
Wes: *to Jane* I apologize for not doing a better job of pretending I was listening to you.
Mal: *to Aury and Luke* I’m the one who got us into this mess, so I’ll be the one who gets us much, much deeper into this mess.
Aury: Get up, we’re going.
Aury: To save the world.
Elias: Oh, is that all?
Levi: I think, therefore I am not sure.
Phelie: It’s entirely possible to be relaxed and extremely uneasy at the same time.
Levi: No it isn’t…?
Phelie: You do it all the time.
Wes: Marry me.
Jane: You’re insane.
Wes: So? Marry me anyway.
Auryon: Where ther is smoke, there is a fire. And where there is a fire, there is probably Elias.
Levi: I have trust issues with myself.
Arachnea: *to Mal* Okay, I know you’re mad, but before you say anything… Yes, we screwed up. And yes, you warned us. And yes, I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I do know this: I have reached the end of my sentence.
Levi: *trying to ask out Phelie* Do you eat? I do. Want to do it in the same room sometime?
Elias: Here’s what I know about women: they confuse and terrify me.
Elias: *to Aury* You look so hot when you find me annoying.
Wes: *to the team* I know nobody asked for my advice…
Mal: Yet you’re talking.
Wes: …but I agree with Mal.
Mal: Let’s hear him out.
Wes: My head hurts.
Jane: That’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.
Luke: Don’t worry, no other guy in this town is ever gonna ask Auryon out.
Elias: Why not?
Luke: Because Aury is terrifying.
Sera: Be careful.
Mal: Aren’t I always?
Sera: No, I think the word for how you usually are is ‘reckless’.
Arachnea: Life would be simpler if only we were all unicorns.
Aury: I worry that my son will grow up before my husband does.
Jane: *to Mal and Wes* Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this weirdness.
Elias: How did you find me?
Aury: Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered: now, who could that be?
Luke: *to Elias* It was a trap after all. My apologies for doubting your sound paranoia.
Mal: *to Wes* Do us a favor. I know it’s difficult for you, but pleas, stay here and try not to do anything stupid.
Aury: You’re, um…
Elias: Intimidating? Awe-inspiring?
Luke: On fire.
Mal: Aury has a new boyfriend.
Wes: That’s great.
Wes: If he breaks her heart I break his neck.
Mal: We’ll take turns.
Wes: So…you’re dating a werewolf now.
Mal: That is the case, yes.
Wes: …does that mean you’re into animals now?
Mal: I will kill you. Violently.
Naya: I was told my lightning was a gift given by God.
Elias: I can verifiably tell you your lightning was a gift given by one of your ancestors hooking up with a White Court fae.
Jane: Hey, you’re not the only one. We may even be related.
Naya: . . .
Jane: *puts her hand above her head* I have had it up to HERE with the short jokes!
Wes: That’s not very high, you know.
Jane: That’s it! Luke, put your hand above your head.
Jane: I’ve had it up to THERE!
Arachnea: Q is too high up in the alphabet. I respect it but it has no place between P and R. Should be at the end with all the weird/goth letters.
Mal: For the last time Rachne all you need to say for roll call is “here”.
Arachnea: One of my favorite games to play is “is my headache from dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, lack of nutrition, my ponytail, stress, lack of sleep or a brain tumor?”.
Elias: I’m no detective, but could it have been because you just fell down three flights of stairs?
Arachnea: …so you see, the ocean is technically a soup because it has salt, veggies, meat, and it’s heating up.
Levi: All I asked for was your name…
Arachnea: No one would want lettuce as their last meal. For example, my last meal *pulls package out of her pocket* is gonna be Twizzlers.
Will: You just keep those in your pocket?
Arachnea: We face death every day. I gotta be prepared to go out on my own terms.
Thomas: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
Kindra: His cats’ names are Walter and Rose.
Thomas: That’s not what I asked.
Kindra: That is the information I have.
Auryon: What did I tell you about lying?
Reid: That it only works on Dad.
Mal: Tired has become a personality trait of mine.
Jem: I like the way we say “oh man” to express disappointment.
Jem: Because men are, in fact, disappointing.
Teacher: Your son got into a fight today.
Elias: Is he okay?
Auryon: Did he win?
Reid: Can we go to a haunted house this Halloween?
Elias: What’s wrong with the one we live in?
Reid: …wait, what?
Auryon: You know I think it’s about time we took a vacation a real honeymoon.
Elias: I think you’re right, but who’s gonna babysit Reid for us?
*Flames flare up and turn green*
*Arachnea drops in from the chimney*
Arachnea: I’ll babysit.
Elias: Rachne what the heck.
Kindra: Bad news – Dominick locked his keys in his office.
Kindra: Good news – we didn’t have to wait for a locksmith.
Kindra: Bad news – Dominick found it concerning that I know how to pick locks and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory. I didn’t want to tell him that I learned it because when I was thirteen I thought it was the kind of skill that would impress hot people.
Kindra: Good news – a hot person saw me do it.
Kindra: Bad news – it was Thomas and since he’s seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too darn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, he’ll never think I’m cool no matter what. It’s too late. He knows.
Rachne: You look like my first husband.
Will: *very confused* You’ve been married before?
Rachne: *smiling* No.
Mal: Wes hasn’t stopped staring through the window since the storm started.
Mal: I suppose I should let him in.
Elias, at five am: Oh, good morning. Didn’t know you’re an early bird.
Levi: I’m not, I’m heading to bed now.
Jane: How many children do you have?
Mal: Biologically, emotionally, or legally?
Wes: People treat me like an idiot, so I’m allowed to act like one from time to time. It’s one of the perks.
Elias: I hate when Auryon says, “Are you even listening to me?”. It’s such a random way to start a conversation.
Elias: Just ask Phelie out already. The worst she can say is “no”.
Levi: Yeah, but that would be devastating.
Elias: Well, just to play Devil’s advocate –
Arachnea: Don’t you think the Devil has enough advocates?
Levi: Not dealing with things is my preferred way of dealing with things.
*On a plane*
Stewardess: Are you travelling for business or pleasure?
Will: You have a favorite number?
Arachnea: Umpteen. It’s a weird one, isn’t it? Sounds big, but it’s in the teens, so it’s small.
Elias: *to Arachnea* Okay, for what I hope is the last time, but will assume is not the last time, this prank does not involve fire.
Jem: Don’t you ever say anything encouraging?
Jane: I encourage you not to die.
Arachnea: *to Levi* Don’t touch anything. You’re very handsome, but you seem clumsy.
Elias: If one more person says I’m too dramatic, I’m going to light myself on fire.
"Remember, you go nowhere by accident. Wherever you go, God is sending you." - Rev. Peter R. Hale