Reply To: *inhales the fresh air, and looks around*

Forums Fiction General Writing Discussions *inhales the fresh air, and looks around* Reply To: *inhales the fresh air, and looks around*

#119446
Lona
@lonathecat

    @wordsmith

    Hey, there! So, after reading your draft, I have a few things to note. First, I think these were just typos:

    “I blink as I moving along scaffold…”

    “Light streams from of the box.”.

    Next, it seems to me you use ‘inhale’ too much. Perhaps, find a synonym or two? I know that inhale is the most concise way of saying ‘took a breath in’, though it still seems a bit repetitive, but I digress.

    “He must think Iā€™m dead because he stares for a moment longer. ”

    I really like this sentence! In light of the man just suggesting that the first guy has been killed/enslaved, it creates a really vivid, and almost unnerving picture. It’s as if the guy is imagining the first guy how he was before the Change, but instead all he is presented with is the dead shell in front of him. And of course, the first guy doesn’t get it, which just reinforces the idea of his deadness.

    I don’t know if this was your intention, but I was quite confused at the beginning, and only by the middle and through to the end of the draft did I feel like I knew what was going on. But, overall, I would say, well done! I am curious to see what happens next. šŸ™‚

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